At Last

A few days ago as I was listening to the river, I thought of how my son left me and how I left my father. I seemed to have made a parallel between them and since I had experienced being in both positions of father and son, I was able to sympathize with both my father and my son. My son did what I did to my father many years ago, creating and taking his own path in life. I realized that there will always be suffering in each generation and it must be embraced with open arms, not avoided. I looked into the water and saw the Brahmin's face and comprehended and connected his pain for me with the pain I have for my own son.

I later on shared my thoughts with Vasudeva and once again he did what he did best: listened. Afterwards he led me back to the river and directed me to listen. I peered into the river again and listened more intently. The face and voice of everything I have ever experienced and encountered in my whole life appeared before me, eventually merging together into a single "Om". Something in me, my soul suddenly transformed. I felt my soul unite and become one with the continuum of life that the river had shown me. I finally felt inner peace and at last...enlightened.

Vasudeva fixed his eyes on mine, walked into the forest, and never returned.

---

With Vasudeva's departure meant that it was my sole job as the ferryman and I have been continuing to take people across the river ever since.

---

This is my last post as I have finally attained enlightenment. Thank you for following me on my journey. Now if you'll excuse me, I believe I see an old friend coming along my way.

-Siddhartha

Time passed and I continued to take travelers across the river. Everyone that encountered since that incident with my son, I didn't feel so...distant from them any longer. Experiencing the pain that my son put me through, I sympathized with them more from then on. I empathized with their desires, worries, sorrows. No longer did I look down upon them as I once did. 

The morning after Vasudeva and I built a funeral pyre for Kamala. Odd as it may sound, I found no sadness lingering in my heart. After all, I was just given a son!

I had been trying to comfort him. Console him. But he stayed distant with his grief, and I let him be. For who am I to him? Yes by blood I am his father but he didn't know me and I didn't know him. The boy began to show his true self eventually: spoiled, greedy, arrogant, disrespectful, unfriendly, gloomy, and adapted to the finer lifestyle. I loved him and was patient with him, nonetheless. After all, he was my own.

---
Months and months passed and I still had no progress with my boy whatsoever. I did everything I could to earn his love and respect. I yearned for the boy to eventually accept me and my love for him. The day that happens would be one of my happiest...but it never came. The boy continued with his feverish, rude, and arrogant ways. Vasudeva, observing my disappointment with the whole situation, eventually shared with me his view, how the boy is not meant to stay here at the river and he belongs back in the town. I listened with deep regret, knowing it was true. But he has to accept my love eventually doesn't he? I just needed more time, he will give in eventually. He will change. No, I couldn't give up on him. He is a part of me and it is my responsibility to raise him! So I didn't follow Vasudeva's words, convinced that maybe somehow, someway, I could win my son over.
---
My son continued to disrespect both Vasudeva and I. I continued to leave him be. One day the boy burst at me with words of how I bored him, how I wasn't his father, how he hated his life here by the river, how he hated me, how he would rather go to hell than be like me, and more. I listened quietly with great sorrow and disappointment growing inside me. Then he fled.

He was gone the next morning, along with Vasudeva's money. The boat was across the river. Panic crept into my heart. I must find him. The forest is full of dangerous creatures. Who know what he could run into? I had to follow him. Vasudeva and I quickly built a raft to get across the river. Although he told me not to follow the boy, I did anyway. I followed the trail through the forest that lead to the town. I then realized that there was no longer a point in following him. If I did, then what? He would hide from me and if I found him again, would I just drag him back to a life of discontent back at the river? I couldn't do that to him. Yes he was taking charge of his own life. Fine. Yet he was still my son and I yearned to have him back...but I knew it was not in my reach or power to do anything about it.

With great sadness I sat down against a tree after remembering my life back in this very town. I listened to the murmur of the crowds, the streets, the people and fell into sort of a slumber to be awakened later by Vasudeva. Silently, we returned to the river.

A Surprise

Vasudeva and I were doing our usual everyday tasks when we heard distant cries from a young boy. Vasudeva hurried out and before I knew it, he comes in carrying a sickly woman in his arms with a boy following him closely behind (whose face perplexingly reminds me of something...). While Vasudeva was cleaning up her snake bite I looked at the woman and quickly recognized her: Kamala. It all connected then. The boy with the worried eyes and tremblings hands is...my son. I have a SON. 

I went to Kamala and assured her that her son was here. She struggled to speak. She told me how old I've become, how I am now more like the Samana who stumbled upon her town than when I left her, how that boy standing over there was my son.

The boy, my son began to cry. Instinctively I pulled him into my arms and began to sing a recital of a Brahmin prayer I learned when I was about his age. Thankfully my method worked and he began to fall asleep.

I took another glance at Kamala. Life and color were draining from her aged face. Soon she will die.

A few moments later she was awake, face strained with immense misery and agony. We shared a quiet moment together, sharing the pain, looking into each other's eyes. Straining to whisper, she notes how something about me has changed.

"Have you attained it?" she asks.

I haven't. In that moment I had an internal struggle...do I tell her the truth? I knew that she was in her last moments. No. No, I couldn't. So I didn't. I gave her a smile, a smile assuring her that yes, I have found peace, and placed my hand on hers.

"Yes, I see it. I will also find peace." she says.

Not wanting her to spending this final moment still searching, my last words to her: "You have found it", and with that being said, she passed. I just sat there for a while, observing her face, recollecting all the memories I had with her.

Life by the River

Settled at last. After all these years of searching and wandering, I truly believe that this new life by the river with Vasudeva is where belong. I have learned how to do many things such as how to look after the boat, how to work in the rice field, how to make oars, how to improve the boat, and how to make baskets. All of these activities just brought me absolute pleasure. Although working with Vasudeva has taught me much, I learned even more from the river. Every moment, everyday, I listen to the river. I learn how to listen by listening. To listen without judging, to listen with an open mind, to listen with a still heart.
--
Epiphany! This river is everywhere at once! It has no set beginning, middle, or end. Just like time. Time does not exist! What matters is the PRESENT.
I've also noticed that the holy "Om" sound that emanates from the river, is a combination...no, more of unity of all voices of all objects, animals, people!

"...everything comes back. You, too, Samana, will come back."

And he was right. I did return to him. I came upon the ferryman looking into the river lovingly; he too has aged much. I reintroduced myself as the Samana who arrived here 20 years ago and he does the same; his name is Vasudeva. I envied his life by the river, being able to sail it everyday. I seek to be his apprentice and to learn the ways of his boat. He offers to let me stay in his hut for the night and offers bread, water, and mango which I all accept with gratefulness.

Later on we sat down together by the river and I told him my story. All of it. From my origins back at the village all the the way until now. My pains, my loves, my sorrows, my likes, my dislikes, my teachings, my experiences, everything. And Vasudeva just...listened wordlessly. Oh how lovely it was to have someone be so engrossed in my life! Never have I ever encountered anyone who can be so absorbed in my words and I seek to learn from him in this manner. I ended my story with how the river saved my life and how I have grown a love for it, Vasudeva paid particular attention to this part and shut his eyes. After I completed my story, he told me that he will have me live with him and that I am to be a rower, a ferryman, and that I will learn from the river "the other thing". I don't know what this "other thing" is but I look forward to discovering it and living my new life by the river.

There's something about this river...

...that appeals to me. I've decided to start a new life living by the river. There's just something about it that makes me believe that it has something to tell me, something to teach me.

I felt sick to my stomach. I was disgusted with myself. Might as well die right now! I've amounted to nothing with the time I've wasted. I eventually reached the river where I encountered the ferryman many years ago. I sat down and stared into the water. I felt like I reached a dead end. Oh how I just wanted to drown myself. I almost threw myself in the river until I heard it. Suddenly in that moment, something in me heard a sound. A perfect sound that seemed to radiate from the river. "Om". Such a perfect sound, it rang through me. I repeated it inwardly, and fell into a deep sleep.
--
I woke up from my slumber feeling refreshed. I put my past behind me, it wasn't important anymore. I slept for what felt like years, who knows? But however long it was, it did me well. I felt beyond rejuvenated. When I got up, I noticed a monk sitting across from me... Govinda! Oh my it has been the longest time since I've seen him. He has clearly aged of course but he still has the same features as the boy I separated from many years ago. Not surprisingly, he doesn't recognize me at first until I call him by his name. We catch up on each others' lives from when we last saw each other. He told me that he was still a follower of the Buddha and I observe that he still hasn't reached the enlightenment that he seeks. Unfortunately, he hasn't yet realized that the path he is on is not doing him any good yet he continues to travel on it. We chat a bit more and bid farewell. Oh Govinda, I will always love him. I hope he will find what he's looking for.

What have I been doing with myself for the past 20 years?! All this material, so-called wealth, possessions...it's all so worthless, meaningless, superficial! I've let this trivial lifestyle get to me. I used to scoff at those immersed in this shallow and empty lifestyle but look at me now. I am no better.

I recently had a terrible nightmare. Kamala has a rare songbird that she keeps in a little golden cage. In my nightmare, it became mute and then died and then I proceeded to throw it out into the street. In doing so I felt a great sadness and pain within me. I came to believe that the little songbird represented everything that was of value and goodness in me and by living this current life, I'm throwing it all away. Though the dream mentally scarred me, I'm glad I had it. It acted as a wake-up call.
I cannot continue living like this. It is deviating me from the path towards my true goal: reaching enlightenment. Without a word, I shall leave.

What Has Become of Me?

Something in me has...died. I'm becoming more and more impatient, tired, and discontent. The more riches I acquire, the smaller the spiritual voice inside me becomes. I know no other way to deal with my unhappiness other than drinking and gambling. Unhealthy habits.

It's been around 20 years since I first arrived in this town. Amazing how time passes. I feel I have taken a step backward. The Samana in my heart is no longer there. Have I really forgotten everything the Samanas taught me?

What has become of me?