At Last

A few days ago as I was listening to the river, I thought of how my son left me and how I left my father. I seemed to have made a parallel between them and since I had experienced being in both positions of father and son, I was able to sympathize with both my father and my son. My son did what I did to my father many years ago, creating and taking his own path in life. I realized that there will always be suffering in each generation and it must be embraced with open arms, not avoided. I looked into the water and saw the Brahmin's face and comprehended and connected his pain for me with the pain I have for my own son.

I later on shared my thoughts with Vasudeva and once again he did what he did best: listened. Afterwards he led me back to the river and directed me to listen. I peered into the river again and listened more intently. The face and voice of everything I have ever experienced and encountered in my whole life appeared before me, eventually merging together into a single "Om". Something in me, my soul suddenly transformed. I felt my soul unite and become one with the continuum of life that the river had shown me. I finally felt inner peace and at last...enlightened.

Vasudeva fixed his eyes on mine, walked into the forest, and never returned.

---

With Vasudeva's departure meant that it was my sole job as the ferryman and I have been continuing to take people across the river ever since.

---

This is my last post as I have finally attained enlightenment. Thank you for following me on my journey. Now if you'll excuse me, I believe I see an old friend coming along my way.

-Siddhartha

Time passed and I continued to take travelers across the river. Everyone that encountered since that incident with my son, I didn't feel so...distant from them any longer. Experiencing the pain that my son put me through, I sympathized with them more from then on. I empathized with their desires, worries, sorrows. No longer did I look down upon them as I once did. 

The morning after Vasudeva and I built a funeral pyre for Kamala. Odd as it may sound, I found no sadness lingering in my heart. After all, I was just given a son!

I had been trying to comfort him. Console him. But he stayed distant with his grief, and I let him be. For who am I to him? Yes by blood I am his father but he didn't know me and I didn't know him. The boy began to show his true self eventually: spoiled, greedy, arrogant, disrespectful, unfriendly, gloomy, and adapted to the finer lifestyle. I loved him and was patient with him, nonetheless. After all, he was my own.

---
Months and months passed and I still had no progress with my boy whatsoever. I did everything I could to earn his love and respect. I yearned for the boy to eventually accept me and my love for him. The day that happens would be one of my happiest...but it never came. The boy continued with his feverish, rude, and arrogant ways. Vasudeva, observing my disappointment with the whole situation, eventually shared with me his view, how the boy is not meant to stay here at the river and he belongs back in the town. I listened with deep regret, knowing it was true. But he has to accept my love eventually doesn't he? I just needed more time, he will give in eventually. He will change. No, I couldn't give up on him. He is a part of me and it is my responsibility to raise him! So I didn't follow Vasudeva's words, convinced that maybe somehow, someway, I could win my son over.
---
My son continued to disrespect both Vasudeva and I. I continued to leave him be. One day the boy burst at me with words of how I bored him, how I wasn't his father, how he hated his life here by the river, how he hated me, how he would rather go to hell than be like me, and more. I listened quietly with great sorrow and disappointment growing inside me. Then he fled.

He was gone the next morning, along with Vasudeva's money. The boat was across the river. Panic crept into my heart. I must find him. The forest is full of dangerous creatures. Who know what he could run into? I had to follow him. Vasudeva and I quickly built a raft to get across the river. Although he told me not to follow the boy, I did anyway. I followed the trail through the forest that lead to the town. I then realized that there was no longer a point in following him. If I did, then what? He would hide from me and if I found him again, would I just drag him back to a life of discontent back at the river? I couldn't do that to him. Yes he was taking charge of his own life. Fine. Yet he was still my son and I yearned to have him back...but I knew it was not in my reach or power to do anything about it.

With great sadness I sat down against a tree after remembering my life back in this very town. I listened to the murmur of the crowds, the streets, the people and fell into sort of a slumber to be awakened later by Vasudeva. Silently, we returned to the river.

A Surprise

Vasudeva and I were doing our usual everyday tasks when we heard distant cries from a young boy. Vasudeva hurried out and before I knew it, he comes in carrying a sickly woman in his arms with a boy following him closely behind (whose face perplexingly reminds me of something...). While Vasudeva was cleaning up her snake bite I looked at the woman and quickly recognized her: Kamala. It all connected then. The boy with the worried eyes and tremblings hands is...my son. I have a SON. 

I went to Kamala and assured her that her son was here. She struggled to speak. She told me how old I've become, how I am now more like the Samana who stumbled upon her town than when I left her, how that boy standing over there was my son.

The boy, my son began to cry. Instinctively I pulled him into my arms and began to sing a recital of a Brahmin prayer I learned when I was about his age. Thankfully my method worked and he began to fall asleep.

I took another glance at Kamala. Life and color were draining from her aged face. Soon she will die.

A few moments later she was awake, face strained with immense misery and agony. We shared a quiet moment together, sharing the pain, looking into each other's eyes. Straining to whisper, she notes how something about me has changed.

"Have you attained it?" she asks.

I haven't. In that moment I had an internal struggle...do I tell her the truth? I knew that she was in her last moments. No. No, I couldn't. So I didn't. I gave her a smile, a smile assuring her that yes, I have found peace, and placed my hand on hers.

"Yes, I see it. I will also find peace." she says.

Not wanting her to spending this final moment still searching, my last words to her: "You have found it", and with that being said, she passed. I just sat there for a while, observing her face, recollecting all the memories I had with her.

Life by the River

Settled at last. After all these years of searching and wandering, I truly believe that this new life by the river with Vasudeva is where belong. I have learned how to do many things such as how to look after the boat, how to work in the rice field, how to make oars, how to improve the boat, and how to make baskets. All of these activities just brought me absolute pleasure. Although working with Vasudeva has taught me much, I learned even more from the river. Every moment, everyday, I listen to the river. I learn how to listen by listening. To listen without judging, to listen with an open mind, to listen with a still heart.
--
Epiphany! This river is everywhere at once! It has no set beginning, middle, or end. Just like time. Time does not exist! What matters is the PRESENT.
I've also noticed that the holy "Om" sound that emanates from the river, is a combination...no, more of unity of all voices of all objects, animals, people!

"...everything comes back. You, too, Samana, will come back."

And he was right. I did return to him. I came upon the ferryman looking into the river lovingly; he too has aged much. I reintroduced myself as the Samana who arrived here 20 years ago and he does the same; his name is Vasudeva. I envied his life by the river, being able to sail it everyday. I seek to be his apprentice and to learn the ways of his boat. He offers to let me stay in his hut for the night and offers bread, water, and mango which I all accept with gratefulness.

Later on we sat down together by the river and I told him my story. All of it. From my origins back at the village all the the way until now. My pains, my loves, my sorrows, my likes, my dislikes, my teachings, my experiences, everything. And Vasudeva just...listened wordlessly. Oh how lovely it was to have someone be so engrossed in my life! Never have I ever encountered anyone who can be so absorbed in my words and I seek to learn from him in this manner. I ended my story with how the river saved my life and how I have grown a love for it, Vasudeva paid particular attention to this part and shut his eyes. After I completed my story, he told me that he will have me live with him and that I am to be a rower, a ferryman, and that I will learn from the river "the other thing". I don't know what this "other thing" is but I look forward to discovering it and living my new life by the river.

There's something about this river...

...that appeals to me. I've decided to start a new life living by the river. There's just something about it that makes me believe that it has something to tell me, something to teach me.

I felt sick to my stomach. I was disgusted with myself. Might as well die right now! I've amounted to nothing with the time I've wasted. I eventually reached the river where I encountered the ferryman many years ago. I sat down and stared into the water. I felt like I reached a dead end. Oh how I just wanted to drown myself. I almost threw myself in the river until I heard it. Suddenly in that moment, something in me heard a sound. A perfect sound that seemed to radiate from the river. "Om". Such a perfect sound, it rang through me. I repeated it inwardly, and fell into a deep sleep.
--
I woke up from my slumber feeling refreshed. I put my past behind me, it wasn't important anymore. I slept for what felt like years, who knows? But however long it was, it did me well. I felt beyond rejuvenated. When I got up, I noticed a monk sitting across from me... Govinda! Oh my it has been the longest time since I've seen him. He has clearly aged of course but he still has the same features as the boy I separated from many years ago. Not surprisingly, he doesn't recognize me at first until I call him by his name. We catch up on each others' lives from when we last saw each other. He told me that he was still a follower of the Buddha and I observe that he still hasn't reached the enlightenment that he seeks. Unfortunately, he hasn't yet realized that the path he is on is not doing him any good yet he continues to travel on it. We chat a bit more and bid farewell. Oh Govinda, I will always love him. I hope he will find what he's looking for.

What have I been doing with myself for the past 20 years?! All this material, so-called wealth, possessions...it's all so worthless, meaningless, superficial! I've let this trivial lifestyle get to me. I used to scoff at those immersed in this shallow and empty lifestyle but look at me now. I am no better.

I recently had a terrible nightmare. Kamala has a rare songbird that she keeps in a little golden cage. In my nightmare, it became mute and then died and then I proceeded to throw it out into the street. In doing so I felt a great sadness and pain within me. I came to believe that the little songbird represented everything that was of value and goodness in me and by living this current life, I'm throwing it all away. Though the dream mentally scarred me, I'm glad I had it. It acted as a wake-up call.
I cannot continue living like this. It is deviating me from the path towards my true goal: reaching enlightenment. Without a word, I shall leave.

What Has Become of Me?

Something in me has...died. I'm becoming more and more impatient, tired, and discontent. The more riches I acquire, the smaller the spiritual voice inside me becomes. I know no other way to deal with my unhappiness other than drinking and gambling. Unhealthy habits.

It's been around 20 years since I first arrived in this town. Amazing how time passes. I feel I have taken a step backward. The Samana in my heart is no longer there. Have I really forgotten everything the Samanas taught me?

What has become of me?

"Wealth consists not in having great possessions, but in having few wants."
-Epictetus

All these people's problems, pains, desires, needs...they're all so...trivial. I feel so detached from them since I can't relate to any of them at all. Such short-sightedness! Tragic how they can't see beyond their little problems. I do envy their ability to truly love, though. People like me and Kamala, we cannot. She practices love as a business and although I do care about her to a certain degree, all of this is mostly for my own spiritual gain.

Practicings of Love and Business

Today I met up with a wealthy merchant named Kamaswami in order to discuss whether I was fit to work with him. I was able to impress him with my ability to read and write and he accepted me.
I now lived in his house and was pampered well. Everyday he showed me goods and warehouses and accounts and he and I discussed the practices of business...well he did most of the talking while I listened. I learned a lot and Kamaswami really seemed to have a great passion for business. To me, however, it's all trivial. It all seemed like a game; all the money and needs and goods, all so superficial.
--
Life with Kamala however, is a totally different story. Everyday she gives me a new teaching of passion, love, sex, admiration, and pleasure. I believe I'm learning a lot more from her compared to anyone else I have encountered. Through her lessons, I have learned to completely surrender Self but while keeping my true goal still in mind, one of the traits in the Eightfold Path.
--
To say I learned nothing from Kamaswami wouldn't be correct. Through observing him and his business practices and his views on wealth and material, I learned that all this immediate gain doesn't substitute true spiritual profit whatsoever.
I believe that he is growing annoyed with me for taking the practice of commerce and business so lightly.

Such Beauty!

I was wandering along the outskirts of a village and I stumbled upon the most beautiful woman.

Kamala

I saw her in her grove and bowed, longing to enter but it hit me that I'm still a Samana, a beggar. Oh how on Earth can I approach her like this? I've seen the way the village people eyed me: scornfully, distrustfully, condescending...
I entered town and was able to learn more about her. Her name is Kamala, a popular courtesan who owned a house.
I made a point to clean myself up; I got my beard shaved off at the barber's and had my hair combed and rubbed with fine oil. Afterwards I bathed in the river. Finally I was presentable.
I finally had a chance to meet up with Kamala. I requested for her to be my friend and to teach me about love and pleasure but she isn't an easy one.
I must "have clothes, fine clothes, and shoes, fine shoes, and plenty of money in his purse and presents for Kamala", she demands.
I take this to heart. I then requested a kiss from her if I recited a poem that she liked.

"Into her grove went the fair Kamala
At the entrance to the grove stood the brown Samana.
As he saw the lotus flower,
Deeply he bowed.
Smiling, acknowledged Kamala,
Better, thought the young Samana
To make sacrifices to the fair Kamala
Than to offer sacrifices to the gods."

Fortunately she enjoyed my poem and as promised, she gave me a kiss. Goodness, it was absolutely wonderful.

Gorgeous Village Woman

Almost let myself go there but thankfully I was able to control my urge.

I came upon a friendly ferryman who let me sleep in his hut for the night. The day afterwards he took me across the river and didn't ask for any payment whatsoever. He seems to have a special spiritual connection with the river, telling me that he has learned much by listening to it. Interesting. I'm grateful for his kindness. He said that I will repay him some other time and that from the river he learned that everything comes back, I wonder what he means by that!

Word has gotten around about a certain wise man who has achieved enlightenment, Gotama Buddha. Govinda and I traveled to go see him and I was hoping I could gain some insight on how to achieve spiritual enlightenment from him. We finally spot him in the crowd and are able to listen to him discuss the Eightfold Path and the Fourfold Way and many other factors of Buddhism. I'll admit I was impressed by his words and how much he really radiated knowledge, peace, and wisdom. Govinda was so swayed by his teachings he decided to join his group of followers permanently but I have no interest in doing so. Leaving my companion was a difficult thing to do but I'm glad he is no longer lingering in my shadows; my journey towards enlightenment is something I must achieve alone. I shall miss him and I sincerely hope he finds what he's looking for.

After my farewell with Govinda I happened to come upon Gotama Buddha. We spoke of his approach towards enlightenment and other aspects of his teachings and I found that part of his teachings seemed to contradict itself. 

Following this conversation I came to realize that it is up to me, and only me to reach enlightenment. I cannot gain wisdom or knowledge from others' teachings. I must find my own way. From now on I see the world in a new way and will no longer accept the teachings of others. I am alone.

Not Quite What I Was Looking For

Hello again. It's been a while, 3 years perhaps? Here's a brief description of my 3 year experience with the Samanas:

• gave away my clothes
• fasted for long periods at a time and only ate once a day if I wasn't fasting
• self-torture (stood in the burning sun without water, stood in the freezing rain, stood in thorny bushes) until I lost feeling and "escaped myself"
• lost my desire for all typical superficial trappings such as sex, material belongings, money, passion, joy, etc.

Govinda and I definitely learned a lot from the Samanas; we learned how to disconnect from the superficial world and be free from shallow needs. Unfortunately I was not yet at inner peace and decided to leave the group in pursuit of true enlightenment. Hopefully I will find it.

Accepted by the Samanas!

Govinda and I are excited to see what we can learn from this group of wandering ascetics. Unfortunately I must deprive myself from many aspects of the material world, so with sadness this blog will be on a temporary hiatus while I am with the Samanas. I'm not sure how much time I will spend with them but whether I succeed in achieving enlightenment or face failure, I'll be back to document it here. Farewell for now.

I finally told father of my plan to join the Samanas. As expected, he became furious and rejected the idea at once and left the room. But I was stubborn and persistant. I didn't take no for an answer and I waited the whole night. Of course I grew tired and sleepy but it was important to prove to my father that I am determined to leave the town to embark on a new journey.
Eventually he gave in and permitted me to go.
"You will go into the forest and become a Samana." he said, "If you find bliss in the forest, come back and teach it to me. If you find disillusionment, come back, and we shall again offer sacrifices to the gods together."
Kind words but the thought of returning to this village doesn't appeal to me.
I followed my father's words and said goodbye to my mother.
---
As I was leaving the town at daybreak I noticed someone come out of their hut to join me in my departure. It was my loyal friend, Govinda.

Realization!

While I was meditating today I remembered that I came across some Samanas in town!

I think it's about time for a change, to break free from this confining town. I know that there is so much more out there for me to experience and learn from. I plan to join the Samanas. There is no going back, I know but this is what I must do. I'll break the news to father later.

“A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” – Lao Tze

Banyan Tree

This is the banyan tree where my dear friend, Govinda, and I like to meditate. It's a lovely place that provides plentiful shade.

What more is left for me here?

Everyday seems the same to me now. I'm tired of this monotonous lifestyle.
Yes I know, I have the "looks", the respect, the power, the money, and I'm going to be the next leader of my community. My position is enviable, that I understand but all of this...it isn't enough. By that I don't mean I need more money or power or attractiveness, all of that is so superficial. I believe that I've learned everything I can from my teachers and books here already. All these daily teachings, holy sacrifices, discussions, and meditation practices...there's nothing more to gain from them.
I feel this inner urge to go out and find...something. I don't know what it is but I just know I need to find it so I can finally have some peace and fulfillment.

"Boredom is the conviction that you can't change...the shriek of unused capacities"
-Saul Bellow